Let's call this fiction. It's a pretty weird story so I guess I'll start it with one of the weirdest parts, the time I was asked to urinate on a man.
I'm telling you, you've never lived until you're cuddling, post-coitus, with some Little Swiss Miss you picked up the night before and your crazy bitch of a roommate offers you two hundred dollars to piss on some REDACTED lying in your bathtub.
Of course I didn't do it, and in fact was putting my pants on hunting around for a knife or baseball bat or something in case this got any uglier. I mean I kind of knew what I was getting into with her and it was at least partially my fault because I started sleeping with Crazy Bitch a couple of weeks before. But I mean she had a boyfriend so whatever.
See, the weirdest part of being a chain mind controlled zombie slave is all the sex stuff. That is also the best part. My life with the thrill kill cult you could even say.
I had gone to this book club thing with frankly the specific purpose of finding some cute hipster girl and Little Swiss Miss was that girl. It was some political book and I was good at this - regurgitating political horseshit - a skill I had picked up from working with Big Boobies. So there was me, Little Swiss Miss, this guy, and the homely girl. I'm just nailing it and this guy sees Little Swiss Miss slipping out of his grasp and leaves. It took a while but the homely girl eventually gets the message and leaves too.
I tell Little Swiss Miss, "give me your number, we'll go get coffee" which, roughly translated, meant, "do what I say and I will make you come so hard you won't be able to walk home" and she enthusiastically complied. I'm guessing she understood perfectly.
The next day or something I take her to this little place where you get a private room and sit down on little couches for an extra fifty bucks. Hell it's cheaper than a call girl, and drinking and sex help you forget, however temporarily, bad things.
So after dinner I just walk back to the apartment with her tagging along beside me, smiling and chatting. I lead her through the four doors it takes to get to my bedroom, the front door, the other front door, the apartment door and my bedroom door. When inside she just sort of lies back on my bed and the fun begins. Use your imagination, this isn't erotica.
So we're in there and Crazy Bitch comes home and just starts talking and then walks right in. I tell her, get out, but she sits down on the bed - Little Swiss Miss is like hiding under the blanket - and I tell her, get out, and she finally notices and says, "oh I didn't know you had someone here." She leaves - she walks right out of the apartment and slammed the door - she was pissed. Anyway I apologize to Little Swiss Miss for the crazy roommate, we finish each other off and fall asleep.
That's when she shows up with the REDACTED she wants me to piss on for two hundred dollars. Who the hell knows where she got him. Little Swiss Miss is still asleep and Crazy Bitch is knocking on the door, talking through it, and says something like, "well I have someone over too. If your lady friend wants to make some money, he's in the bathtub now. Or if you want he'd probably pay extra - he just wants someone to pee on him."
Look, I call her Crazy Bitch for a reason, ok? If this were a movie this is the part where they do a close up on the narrator and his face has that sort of blank expression that means “what series of poor life choices have led me to this moment?”
You won’t believe it anyway, but I’ll say it.
Well, some of it.
So how did I meet Crazy Bitch? To call it under suspicious circumstances you’d be underselling it. Of course she was chain - that’s the mystery really, did she know about me? Because if she did that is … a really disturbing thought.
But I didn’t really get in trouble until years later when I saw Angel and my jaw dropped. I didn’t mean to, but I broke the chain.
I'll turn you on like a tiger baby Hard body motor city love life I'll take you for a ride down the midway baby Be my little human sacrifice Do my kisses burn? Do they take your breath You've got a lesson to learn now I'm the kiss of death History is written by the winner baby So let's make a little of our own tonight If you're thinking that my idea for fun is a drag Then you've never been to paradise